I've always loved going to school. So many talk of hating aspects of their educational career, but that's not me. I loved it. Reading, writing, math (though it took many dedicated individuals to get me through...) were all great. History was even better, science the best. On top of that, there were so many other things to do! Running, jumping, talking, flirting, hitting, yelling, riding the bus...It was great. UIL activities, athletics, hanging out in the parking lot...can't beat it!
I loved college. SPC, LCU weren't just initials, they were places where I loved to be. Again, the academics were great and I learned a lot, but it was the connection, the fun that made it worthwhile. I had great friends in my academic career (have lost contact with most, but it was fun while it lasted....don't cry, we'll always have Levelland.....) and that made going to school fun.
I've also now spent the last 10 years of my life working at school. It's an entirely different experience. Skipping school was trouble (if you got caught), but hardly anything really serious. Skipping work gets you fired. Not doing your homework when you go to school get you a slap on the wrist and a zero. Not doing your homework when it's work, get's you behind, bad evaluations, and eventually fired. It's not the same.
Yet I still love going to work. I love the new challenges that each day brings. I love having to stand in the cafeteria 1 1/2 hours a day watching kids eat with the eloquence and grace of so many swine. I like hearing what kids like and don't like about school. It's just good stuff.
So somebody explain to me why I am having such a hard time being motivated in my current act of going to school? My pursuit of my masters degree is KILLING ME. I love to learn, I love to read, so why is this semester so hard? The easy answer is the junior executive. He's much more fun than reaction papers and article reviews, but I'm not sure that I can pin this one on him (yet).
Maybe it's the isolation of masters work. I know people in my class, but I don't hang out with them. We work in groups, but we communicate by email. Not so much fun.
Maybe it's the pressure of continuing to do well. If I could just relax my A type personality long enough to quit worrying about that elusive "4 point", maybe I could settle down and enjoy the ride. Maybe I'm just too competitive. Can't do much without wanting to be good at it. (still trying to reconcile that part of me with my desire to continue playing golf though...)
So I head to class tonight with a heavy heart, but a finished paper. Perhaps I'll get a good enough grade that I'll not have to rewrite it. Maybe I'll get motivated and get to work on my group project.
Maybe I'll go home and hang out with Zeke.
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2 comments:
I really feel for you right now, brother. I worry about your burn-out (in light of your previous entry there is some justification for this worry). Your loss of joy in pursuing education is one I can relate to in a sense. When Chloe was born I had been in youth ministry for 11 years. I quickly lost taste for the retreats, lock-ins, and nights away from home. The pull of family is supreme. Hang in there. This semester will be done soon.
Burn out is definitely something that has been on my mind...But what do I give up? I'd say golf, but I haven't played in so long I'm not sure I remember how (although that could be a good thing...)
I enjoy all that I do (with the exception being school right now) and know that there is the light at the end of the tunnel out there somewhere, it's just I'm afraid that it's a freight train coming the other way...
Thanks for the encouragement! It is much needed and even more appreciated!
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